Research shows that an essential ingredient in a lasting, healthy relationship is authenticity: showing up in a way that reflects the real you—who you are and what you think and feel. When you live authentically in your relationship, it builds trust between you and your partner, allowing you to connect with each other on a deeper and more meaningful level. Authenticity in relationship communication not only allows partners to know and be known (two core human needs), but also strengthens the foundation of the relationship, making long-term commitment, resilience, and happiness possible.
In today’s world where filters and Photoshop make it easy to obscure the truth, working to nurture authentic relationship communication is more crucial than ever. Here are four ways that you can increase the level of authenticity in your communication with your partner:
1. Get in Touch with Your Own Emotions
The first step towards authentic relationship communication is understanding your own emotions. Often, we struggle to express ourselves because we don’t really know what we are feeling, and prior relationship experiences or trauma can make deciphering emotions especially difficult. Self-awareness is key, and also is a learnable skill.
Start by taking a few moments each day to check in with yourself and notice your emotions. Ask yourself questions like, “What am I feeling right now?” “Where is this feeling taking place in my body?” and “What circumstances am I experiencing that may be bringing up these emotions?” Other ways to get in touch with your feelings include journaling and mindfulness practices. Use one or a combination of these to help increase your self-awareness and empower you to share more authentically with your partner.
As you practice becoming more aware of your emotions, also be sure to avoid judging yourself for what you are feeling. Shame and self-criticism lead to less authenticity and can disconnect you from yourself and your partner. Instead, get curious about your feelings and the story they are telling you. When you honor and listen to what you feel, it can help you set healthy boundaries, find healing, and strengthen your connections.
2. Respond to Vulnerability with Compassion
Vulnerability is at the heart of authentic relationship communication; however, it can be a difficult feeling to both share and receive. Being vulnerable can be uncomfortable, because it opens us up to rejection. Sharing your true thoughts and feelings creates the potential to be criticized or looked down upon, and that is scary! Understanding that it takes courage to be authentic can help you and your partner to be more compassionate with one another, especially when someone shares something personal or sensitive.
When you respond to your partner’s vulnerability with compassion and empathy, it creates a safe space for honest communication. This doesn’t mean you have to agree with everything your partner says, but rather that you approach their vulnerability with kindness and a willingness to understand their perspective. Over time, this compassionate response fosters a deeper emotional bond and enhances the authenticity of your communication.
3. Practice Self-Soothing
In addition to vulnerability, authentic relationship communication can be fraught with many difficult emotions. The more you open up and share what you are thinking and feeling, the more likely you are to find that you and your partner experience differences of thought and opinion, which can in turn lead to conflict. This is healthy and normal, and can actually serve to bring you closer as you learn to respond with compassion and curiosity, and practice self-soothing.
Self-soothing is the ability to manage difficult emotions, particularly in stressful or uncomfortable situations. It is a crucial component of maintaining authentic relationship communication because it allows you to stay grounded and respond thoughtfully rather than react impulsively. When emotions run high, it can be tempting to lash out or shut down, neither of which encourages authentic communication.
There are many different ways to self-soothe including deep breathing, meditation, going for a walk or exercising, listening to music, coloring, etc. Find which techniques work best for you and practice using them throughout the day. Don’t be afraid to take a timeout during a heated discussion to help yourself stay physically calm. By learning to calm yourself, you can approach difficult conversations with a clear mind, making it easier to communicate your true feelings and needs without being overwhelmed by challenging emotions.
4. Align Your Actions with Your Individual and Relationship Values
Finally, authenticity in relationship communication is not just about words; it’s also about actions. Aligning your behavior with both your personal values and the values you share with your partner ensures that your communication is consistent and trustworthy. When your actions reflect your words, it reinforces your authenticity and strengthens the trust in your relationship.
Start by identifying your core values—both individually and as a couple. What principles are most important to you? How do you want to show up in your relationship? Once you have a clear understanding of these values, make a conscious effort to ensure that your actions align with them. For instance, if honesty is a core value, practice being open and transparent with your partner, even when it’s difficult (use those self-soothing skills!). This alignment promotes a sense of integrity in your relationship communication, making it more genuine and meaningful.
Conclusion
Increasing authenticity in your relationship communication requires intentional effort and practice. By getting in touch with your emotions, responding to vulnerability with compassion, practicing self-soothing, and aligning your actions with your values, you can create a communication style that is both genuine and effective. Authentic communication builds trust, deepens emotional intimacy, and ultimately leads to a more fulfilling relationship. So what are you waiting for? Go be yourself, and let your partner get to know the real you.
Want more relationship guidance? Check out HRC’s R3 Academy to find out how you can participate in a free workshop all about connection and healthy communication!