When a couple first embarks on a committed romantic relationship, they may not fully understand the extent of change and growth they likely will experience over time. These changes occur both on an individual level and on a couple level, and it is vital for partners to act as a safe space for one another as they navigate new relationship dynamics. To be a better partner, it’s important to recognize that development is a lifelong process, and ensuring that your relationship is a setting where this growth can happen is crucial for creating a lasting partnership.
In his research, American psychologist Carl Rogers identified three conditions that needed to be present in a patient/therapist relationship for positive change to take place in counseling. These include accurate empathic understanding (using empathy to connect with what a patient is feeling), congruence (genuineness and authenticity from both patient and therapist—the idea that “what you see is what you get”), and unconditional positive regard (an unchanging acceptance of the patient that is independent of behavior).
In our work with couples, HRC has found that these conditions also are required for healthy growth in romantic relationships. Here’s how you can foster these three qualities in your relationship to help you be a better partner and encourage healthy and positive development for you and your love.
Empathy: Getting to the Heart of Understanding
Empathy is the ability to truly understand and feel what your partner is going through, which plays a crucial role in any healthy relationship. When you make an effort to be empathetic, you’re not just hearing your partner’s words, you’re tuning in to their emotions and the context behind them. This practice can help you be a better partner by making your loved one feel seen, heard, and understood—elements that are foundational to relationship safety and creating a space where growth can take place.
Empathy requires active listening. Instead of offering solutions or defenses when conflicts arise, try to focus on understanding your partner’s feelings and needs. Clinical psychologist and relationship researcher Dr. John Gottman has spent decades studying what makes relationships succeed or fail, and his findings highlight empathy as a cornerstone of healthy communication. According to Gottman, couples who practice empathy are better equipped to handle conflict and feel closer to one another. When you validate your partner’s feelings and experiences, you show that you value them even when their perspective is different from your own.
A study published in the Journal of Marriage and Family found that empathic accuracy—the ability to accurately gauge your partner’s thoughts and feelings—predicts relationship satisfaction and stability. By practicing empathy daily, you’ll not only improve communication but also deepen the emotional bond in your relationship.
To be a better partner, you can work on your empathy by:
- Being Present: Be there physically and emotionally when your partner needs you.
- Listening Actively: Give your full attention when your partner speaks, without interrupting or judging.
- Validating Emotions: Acknowledge your partner’s feelings, even if you don’t agree with their viewpoint.
Empathy fosters a safe space for both partners to grow together, making it a must-have for long-term relationship success.
Genuineness: Building Trust through Honesty
Genuineness (referred to by Rogers as “congruence”), or authenticity, is another key factor that can help you be a better partner. It’s about being honest with your partner about your feelings and who you are—both through what you say and how you act. Rogers believed that genuineness is essential for personal and relational growth, and described it as the ability to be “openly oneself.”
In relationships, pretending to be something you’re not or hiding your true emotions can create distance between you and your partner. Instead, when you bring your authentic self to the relationship, you allow your partner to know the real you, including your vulnerabilities. This openness promotes trust and encourages your partner to do the same, resulting in a stronger emotional connection.
One study published in the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology found that seeing your romantic partner as authentic was associated with greater relationship satisfaction. Being true to yourself and your partner enhances intimacy and emotional closeness. By being genuine, you also cultivate an environment where both partners feel safe to express their feelings and thoughts without fear of judgment.
To cultivate genuineness and be a better partner:
- Be Honest about Your Needs: Open up about what you need from the relationship, whether it’s more support, space, or time together.
- Practice Self-Reflection: Regularly check in with yourself about whether you’re being authentic in the relationship.
- Share Vulnerabilities: It’s okay to admit when you’re struggling or uncertain. Showing vulnerability is a powerful way to connect with your partner.
Genuineness strengthens trust, and trust is the foundation of any strong relationship. By being open and authentic, you encourage healthy relationship growth and build a bond that can weather any storm.
Acceptance: Creating a Safe Space for Growth
Unconditional positive regard, or acceptance, is the ability to love and accept your partner as they are, without trying to change them. This doesn’t mean you ignore their flaws or let go of healthy boundaries. Rather, acceptance is about embracing the entirety of your partner—the good, the bad, and the growth in between.
Rogers emphasized that acceptance is another essential ingredient for individual and relational growth. When partners feel accepted for who they are, they’re more likely to feel safe enough to change, grow, and evolve without fear of rejection. This helps create a nurturing environment where both partners can thrive.
In a relationship, acceptance also means managing your expectations. When you accept your partner’s imperfections, you give them room to be human, which establishes a sense of safety. A 2018 study published in the academic journal Mindfulness found that acceptance is strongly linked to relationship satisfaction, with partners reporting feeling more secure and supported when they feel accepted.
To be a better partner through acceptance:
- Practice Non-Judgment: Avoid criticizing your partner’s choices or mistakes. Instead, offer support and understanding.
- Let Go of Unrealistic Expectations: People change over time, and that’s okay. Accept your partner as they are in the present moment.
- Celebrate Differences: Appreciate the unique qualities your partner brings to the relationship, even when they differ from your own.
By practicing acceptance, you create a safe space for your partner to grow. This, in turn, helps both of you to flourish within the relationship, nurturing healthy and lasting connection.
Conclusion
Being a better partner involves much more than grand gestures or romantic surprises. It’s about the daily habits and mindset you cultivate to support your relationship’s growth. Empathy, genuineness, and acceptance are fundamental to fostering a healthy and thriving partnership, by creating an environment where both you and your partner can thrive for years to come.